Baby Sleep: What to Really Expect in the First Year

Hi and welcome back to the Postpartum Prep Podcast. My name is Ceridwen. I'm your podcast host and your guide to preparing for a smoother start to life with your new baby.

Today, we're going to be taking a little introduction to baby sleep. If you didn't know already, I am a certified gentle sleep practitioner. This means I am trained to help with baby sleep from 0 to 18 months.

But really, I just wanted to do that certification because when I was struggling with baby sleep myself when my son was younger, I just knew there were so many myths when it came to baby sleep that I found it really, really difficult to actually know what information on the internet I really even could trust. And I definitely fell for some traps when it came to things I shouldn't have trusted on the internet about baby sleep. And I just became really passionate about wanting to be able to dispel all these myths that just cause parents more stress.

And that's what we're going to hopefully be doing today. This podcast episode is actually inspired by a talk I did earlier this week. I run a mom group or I'm one of the people that run a mom group where I live.

And if you're in Cayman, by the way, this group is called Milk Bar and it's a group of moms and mother-baby professionals who we all get together once a week. And the professionals are there if you need any professional support. And the moms are there if you just want to make friends and meet other moms.

And we often have guest speakers come who speak on all sorts of different topics about mother and baby well-being. And I just love this group so much. And this week I was the speaker, which I was so nervous, especially because I was talking about baby sleep.

And, like, I am not a super, I don't love public speaking in general. I love sitting in my closet speaking to my microphone for the podcast, but I don't love public speaking. But it was specifically because I was talking about baby sleep that I was so nervous because baby sleep is such a difficult topic to navigate, not just as a mom, but from a professional standpoint, too, because it's such an emotive topic.

There are some, there are lots of really, really big emotions. And even I still feel really big emotions about my own son's sleep. Not necessarily just his sleep, but the sleep deprivation, which was really, really hard.

Like, really hard. And very, yeah, it's very emotional to think about how hard it was, to be honest. And I know that a lot of other moms find it really hard, too.

And so baby sleep, it's difficult to talk about just from that point of view, or from that angle. But it's also difficult to talk about because there are a lot of really conflicting opinions and advice and a lot of just noise when it comes to baby sleep. And especially in the online world, there's a lot of, like, very black and white thinking when it comes to baby sleep.

You're either, like, on one side or the other of how to handle baby sleep. And actually, it was, because a lot of the work that I do, obviously, doing this podcast and having been, you know, I was really doing the Instagram thing for, like, quite a few years, like, just being in the online world, the black and white thinking is a lot more black and white online than it actually is in person. And, like, talking about it at the mom group, like, it's not so black and white, but it still feels really quite heavy to talk about.

And it was a little bit of a relief that it wasn't like, you know, on the internet, it's like you immediately, everything kind of blows up if you say one wrong thing or one thing that people disagree with about baby sleep. In real life, people are a lot more, I think people can hold a lot more space for nuance. Anyways, I'm getting so off track.

Basically, what I wanted to do with this episode today was kind of give you the talk that I had done at the mom group yesterday. What's really important to me is normalizing what is normal about baby sleep. I think when it comes to baby sleep and really sleep for the whole family, because that's often why we're talking about baby sleep, right? It's not because anything is really wrong with the baby's sleep.

It's because of the way that the baby's sleep is impacting the family and the parents and maybe even other children and looking at that whole family unit as a whole. So when I'm working with families, often, like, more often than not, and I think this is what most people who work in, like, holistic baby sleep find when they're doing consultations is more often than not, it's not about anything that's actually wrong with the baby's sleep. It's about reassuring parents about what is normal, about reassuring parents that you're not doing anything wrong.

It's not your fault that your baby is waking a lot at night. And often it's just undoing a lot of these myths that we have about baby sleep. And we're going to talk a little bit more about that throughout this episode.

But I really just, and I thought this was a great episode to do for this podcast because I don't think we've really done an episode on baby sleep yet. And so I really wanted this. I'm excited to offer this as, like, the first baby sleep episode because I think it really sets the stage for what's to come.

And I actually have some really exciting guests lined up to talk more about baby sleep. So stay tuned for those episodes to come. But in the meantime, I think I just wanted to give us, like, a foundation of what is normal when it comes to baby sleep.

And when we understand what's normal, then we can start to understand what's not normal and things to look out for when it comes to, actually, maybe something is not normal here that we do need to fix or that you do need to be referred on to maybe a specialist for. But most of the time, there is no, like, underlying health problem that's leading to a baby having any, there's no, like, real problems when it comes to a baby's sleep. It's more just there's a lot of misinformation.

There's a lot of just, like, an overload of information as well. And that can all cause a lot of stress and a lot of worry for parents. And so a lot of my job often is just helping to kind of unpick some of this and talk about, well, what does the evidence actually say? And there's also a part where we talk about what does the evidence not say when it comes to baby sleep, because that's a whole thing.

I'm sure we'll kind of get into it throughout the rest of this episode a little bit more. You'll see what I mean. And of course, the other side of it, like I mentioned before, is a very real, real thing of it is really hard as a parent to cope with the way that babies sleep.

And so obviously, I mean, that's a huge part of, you know, aside from just kind of reassuring parents about what's normal, the other huge part of my role as a sleep practitioner is to help parents feel less exhausted. But there's also kind of just for a second sticking to the just what we're talking about, about normalizing what's normal. When you're already exhausted, what you don't need is added stress and added worry that something's wrong with your baby or that you're doing something wrong.

Exhaustion is a lot easier to deal with if you're not also worrying, is it my fault that my baby's doing this? Is something wrong with my baby? Do we need to, like, it's a lot easier to cope with your exhaustion when you're not also spiraling into thoughts about, you know, into the worry and stress of thinking something's wrong. And that's why I like to start with normalizing what's normal. And then we can go into, okay, if everything is actually generally normal right now, if there's no real cause for concern in terms of you're not really doing anything to cause your baby's night waking, nothing's happening to cause your baby's waking, nothing's wrong with your baby that's causing them to wake up.

If nothing, you know, they don't have any health problems that are causing them to wake up. If nothing is actually wrong, then we can focus more on supporting you to feel better while you're coping with the exhaustion of baby sleep. Hopefully that makes sense what I'm saying.

I'm just trying to kind of set the stage for why I decided to go about. Did I, did I, sorry, I've totally lost track of my own thoughts here. Did I mention, I must've started this by saying, I feel like I didn't actually say this.

Did I say, I'm sorry, this is the organization of my podcast, but what I did at this mom group, then I did some polls for the moms about kind of, do you experience this? And if yes, then raise your hand. And it was really to start off the talk by showing the moms that they are so not alone in things to do with their baby's sleep and just how common certain things are when it comes to baby sleep. And obviously I chose the questions based on research that I already had.

You know, I had the research already in my mind. And so I kind of already expected what the results of this poll, of polling these moms was going to be. And yeah, it very much did turn out as I expected.

So I also, so I also re-shared them on my Instagram. My Instagram at Mother Baby Wellbeing is obviously a more international audience. So I wanted to poll on my Instagram as well.

And I thought what we would do is, I haven't actually looked at the results of the polls. So I thought we would go through the results of the polls together. Okay, so let's get started with the first question.

The first question was, my baby wakes at least every two to three hours at night. And 50% of people said they agree. So for 50%, now just one thing, keep in mind, I didn't actually put any like age limit on what counts as a baby here.

Most people I'm thinking, you know, baby to most people means under 12 months. So also just like obviously, let me just say obviously, all of these questions, like this is not in any way a real research study. There are so many, this would never ever be like counted as real academically valid research.

I'm going to talk about how it relates to actual research. But this is, this is really just for fun, but also to demonstrate certain ideas that I'm going to talk about. Okay, that disclaimer aside, so my baby wakes at least every two to three hours at night.

Agree, 50% of people agreed with that. So their babies wake at least every two to three hours at night. 36% of people said no, my baby sleeps longer.

14% of people said my baby wakes even more frequently than every two to three hours at night. So that's 64% of people, their babies wake every two to three hours or more. 64%, that's pretty high.

And this is definitely reflected in research. We know from multiple different studies that it's very, very normal for babies under 12 months and even older to be waking several times a night. And actually, before I started recording this episode, I looked it up just because I was curious.

And when it comes to adults, this was a very, very quick kind of Google search. But I found something from Johns Hopkins Medicine that says when it comes to adults, most adults wake about two to three times a night. Which just shows that I think, you know, we hear a lot about this goal of having our babies sleep through the night.

And in reality, even adults don't sleep through the night. This thing from Johns Hopkins was saying, actually, we most of us actually wake up several times a night, way more than two to three times per night. We just don't notice it because we go back to sleep immediately.

Whereas the two to three wake-ups per night that we have are more observable. We're kind of awake. And I just think that really puts things in perspective when we're talking, you know, when you hear about babies sleeping through the night.

Most adults don't even sleep through the night. And it's definitely normal that babies don't sleep through the night. Every single baby is so different.

And then, of course, there's going to be some babies that are sleeping through the night. From, like I said, from research into baby sleep, we know that most babies are waking through the night. Okay, let's move on to the next question, which was, my baby sleeps better when held and wakes if put down.

92% of people said they agree. And I feel very passionately about this one because I can almost guarantee if I'm having a conversation about baby sleep with parents who have a newborn, almost consistently the conversation is about how their baby doesn't want to sleep in the bassinet. Their baby wakes up as soon as they put them down in the crib or wherever.

The baby wakes up as soon as they put them down, basically. And although that can be incredibly frustrating if you are, like, wanting to get up and do something without holding your baby. By the way, baby wearing is just amazing for this.

And if you're pregnant and haven't heard about baby wearing, stay tuned because we do have a guest coming on the podcast to talk about baby wearing. But if you're giving birth, I think this guest is coming in January. So if you're giving birth before January, definitely just look into baby wearing.

It's such a blessing for the times when your baby just does not want to be put down. I think I kind of got a little off track because I think just in general, I was just trying to say, even though it is, it can be challenging to deal with a baby who wants to be held a lot, it's not anything that you're doing wrong. It's just how babies are designed.

Babies want to be held a lot. And we could talk a lot more about the, like, science behind why they want to be held a lot. But that is going to be a really long conversation.

And I don't want to make this episode, like, three hours long. So I'm going to work. I actually do have some people who are meant to be coming on the podcast to talk more about this, specifically about why babies want to be held while they're sleeping.

So I will just leave that for another conversation. But for the purpose of this podcast episode, yes, it's totally normal if your baby only wants to be held while they're sleeping and will wake as soon as you put them down. All right, the next question is, my baby started sleeping longer stretches around six to eight weeks, but then began waking more again around four to six months.

And 90% of people said, yep. Baby sleep is not linear. I love to talk about this because I think, you know, going back to this phrase of sleeping through the night, I think we talk about it as if we expect it to be just this, like, straight upwards line of, yep, your baby will start off waking a lot at night, but gradually they'll start to wake less.

Now, yes, gradually they will start to wake less at night. That's absolutely true. But it's not like a straight upwards line towards sleeping longer stretches at night.

It really can be like two steps forward, one step back. Sometimes it feels more like four steps forward, three steps back or four steps forward, five steps back. It's really not a linear progression.

And that's normal. The next question, which was kind of along the same lines, was that baby sleep is worse when learning a new skill. And 73% of people said, yeah, baby sleep gets worse when learning a new skill.

And this is just another example of things that can feel like you're taking a few steps backwards, but actually it's just a part of their development is learning new skills can disrupt sleep. And it's not always just a linear progression towards more longer stretches of sleep during the night. It can sometimes be disrupted for many reasons like sickness or teething.

And I think this is one of the hardest things when it comes to baby sleep in general, is that it almost always feels like there's something going on. If your baby is not sick, they're teething. If they're not teething, they're learning a new skill.

If they're not learning a new skill, they're going through developmentally, mentally or emotionally. It just always feels like there's something. But I don't know.

I have a two and a half year old now. And all I can say is it does get better eventually. I literally remember at one point Googling that, like, does it ever get better? Because I kind of was just in this place where it was just like, does it ever get better? Like, am I going to be, is this going to be the next 18 years of my life? As a mom of a two and a half year old right now, I can assure you it does get better.

But it can be, it just, it can feel rough when you're going through it. Like really, really rough. And rough is maybe even too gentle of a word.

That's why moms need so much love and support and care and kindness and community and just to be with other moms who get it. And that's the whole point of these polls, right? Is that it, you know, someone sent me a message after the talk yesterday just saying it felt really good to hear other moms talk about what it's really like. Yeah.

Other moms who get it. That's what you need. Now, this next question is, I've heard babies should be sleeping through the night.

And then I put a few options. So I've heard babies should be sleeping through the night by 12 weeks, by 6 months, by 12 months. And then the last option was there's no set time to expect sleeping through the night.

And 64% of people said there's no set time to expect sleeping through the night, which is true. And I'm really glad for those people who had heard that. And I'm glad that that was what most people had heard.

But 14% of people said that they'd heard babies should be sleeping through the night by 12 weeks. 12 weeks. That's like 3 months.

That's, that's sore. I have no words because that's just absolutely not evidence-based at all. I think often families, I do find that families often find their babies are sleeping better at around 2 or 3 months, which is about 12 weeks.

I actually find it's more, most often it's between like 6 to 8 weeks I find that babies end up sleeping better. But that by no means mean, that by no means means that they're sleeping through the night. And same for 6 months and same for 12 months.

It's just not based on evidence at all when it comes to what we know about normal baby sleep patterns. And like we already discussed, even for adults, sleeping through the night is not even what we would expect from adults. Just going back to that thing about adults for a second actually, I just want to clarify one thing though.

Because an adult, of course, you might wake up at night, but as an adult, you can put yourself back to sleep. I think the thing is, when it comes to babies, obviously, you know, if a baby wakes up at night because they're thirsty or they're cold or they are feeling lonely or scared or, you know, they're just feeling a bit uncomfortable or their diaper needs changing. A baby has no ability to deal with that themselves like an adult would.

And I think this is obviously, you know, like I said, I can say about how adults wake through the night, but also as an adult, you have the ability to put yourself back to sleep. When your baby's waking through the night, obviously, it means you as the adult are going to have to go to them to help them go back to sleep. If there's something that's going on that is disturbing their sleep or if there's a reason that they're waking up that they need to have our help to assist them to go back to sleep or to change something or whatever the reason is that they're waking up.

Obviously, that's hard on us as the adult because it's not like... And I think my point is, I don't want to make it sound if you're thinking like I'm saying, you know, even adults wake in the night and you're thinking, oh my God, my kid is going to be waking through the night forever. But my point is eventually your kid will be old enough that they can take care of some of those needs for themselves. They can get up and take themselves to the bathroom or they can get another blanket if they're cold or they might have more capacity to help themselves regulate emotionally if there's something going on for them with their emotions or whatever it is.

So my point is you're not going to have to be tending to your child two to three times a night for the rest of your life. It's not... Just to clarify that. Okay, moving on.

This one, I love this one. So sleep schedules make baby sleep feel more stressful. 85% of people agreed to that.

And I was at a conference recently. I think I might have mentioned it in a previous episode. This breastfeeding conference I was at where Professor Amy Brown, she was speaking about some research that they had done or that she had worked on about parents who had read books where these books were promoting strict routines when it came to babies, things like schedules and sleep schedules for babies.

And I thought this research was so, so interesting and enlightening because what she found in this research was that not only did these strict routines not actually seem to help, but the most common outcome from having read these baby books, you know, the most common feeling that moms had around the information from the baby books was just that it increased their anxiety. I think it was something like 40% were feeling anxious. Now, I don't know about you, but that's not what I'm looking for when it comes to trying to make things feel easier with my baby.

I'm not looking for more anxiety. And I think this poll just kind of reflects that again. Sleep schedules make baby sleep feel more stressful.

And most 85% of people agreed that sleep schedules made baby sleep feel more stressful. The last question that I had in this poll was, I felt pressured to do something with my baby's sleep that didn't feel right to me. And 73% of people said yes.

Now, obviously, I didn't specify in any way what that something was. But just generally, 73% of people felt a pressure to do something about their baby's sleep that didn't feel right for them. And you know, I mean, if you've listened to this podcast before, hopefully you would know this, that I'm all about self-trust.

And I think this just highlights to me even more why moms, we need to develop our self-trust because I think, you know, this question just makes me think about all the noise that we hear when it comes to baby sleep and all the opinions and all the advice. And at the end of the day, no one knows your baby like you. No one has that instinct that you have as a mother to know what's right for you and your baby.

But we do get all this pressure put on us, coming from every direction it feels like when it comes to baby sleep. And I think this is something that when I was pregnant, I already started to experience this when I was pregnant with people suggesting things I should be doing with my baby's sleep that not only didn't feel right to me, but like logically didn't align with, you know, at the time I was finishing my degree where I was studying mental health. And like some of the things I was hearing about baby sleep just didn't align with what I had spent the past three years studying.

And but that pressure that you feel that I felt, it's really hard to navigate. And I think it's often for I think most of the people I talk about the most, you know, I think there's a lot of pressure from the Internet, from what you read online, from social media, from baby books. But when I talk with other moms, the most intense pressure often comes from people quite close to you, like your family members, the grandparents or your parents, maybe even friends who have had babies before and did one thing with their baby's sleep.

And it doesn't feel like what you want to do with your baby's sleep. And just navigating those relationships, navigating the pressure that you're feeling in those relationships when it comes to baby's sleep, if this is something that you're experiencing like that in itself is stressful. And again, that's why I like to normalize what is normal, because I think it can give you at least some perspective when you are navigating not just your baby's sleep, but navigating other people's opinions and advice about baby's sleep.

So I hope that's given us like a nice little introduction to baby's sleep and what is normal, what to expect maybe when it comes to baby's sleep. Of course, there's so much more that like, obviously, one podcast episode cannot cover nearly everything. Baby's sleep is such a huge topic.

And I am really excited to have more people come on the podcast to talk about different approaches to baby's sleep, different ways to make coping with baby's sleep easier for us as adults. And just to learn a little bit more about why babies sleep the way that they sleep, I think will be really interesting as well. So I'm really excited for the guests that we have coming up.

I know I say that in every episode lately, but just hold your horses because it's about to get good. All right. Thank you so much for listening today.

If you have any questions about anything that you heard in the episode today, please feel free to send me a DM on Instagram @motherbabywellbeing - I’d be happy to either answer your questions or point you in the right direction of somebody who might be able to answer your questions. I’d also love to know if anything surprised you about what you heard here in this episode today. If you are not already subscribed to this podcast or following along, make sure to hit subscribe or follow or whatever the thing is on the app or wherever you’re listening to this podcast. I would also really really really really really appreciate if you would leave a review on Apple Podcasts - as someone listening to the show that’s one of the best ways you can support the show. Also if you know a mom or a pregnant mom who would really benefit from hearing more about what normal baby sleep is really like, please share this episode on. Thank you so much for being here today, and I will see you next time!